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CD ROM Paradise Collection 4 1995 Nov.iso
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1995-03-03
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SCIENCE
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TEXAS A & M STUDY ON PICKLES
Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.
Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the
terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle."
Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis
sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry
continues to expand.
Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of
the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten
pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:
1. 99.9% of all people who die from
cancer have eaten pickles.
2. 100% of all soldiers have eaten
pickles.
3. 96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers
have eaten pickles.
4. 99.7% of the people involved in air
and auto accidents ate pickles within
14 days preceding the accident.
5. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came
from homes where pickles were served
frequently.
Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle
-eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on
pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
All pickle-eaters born between 1889 and 1899 have
wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle
bones and failing eyesight--if the ills of eating pickles
have not already caused their death.
Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of
medical specialists. Rats forced-fed with 20 pounds of
pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens.
Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.
In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers
continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of
fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Our per
capita consumption is nearly four pounds.
Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one
has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as he does
with eating pickles.
***
TEXAS A & M STUDY ON MALE BALDNESS
After a twenty year study on male pattern balness,
Aggie scientists have come to some concrete conclusions. Men
do not actually lose thier hair. It simply grows downward
and out their ears. (Adapted from Steve Chapman).
***
TEXAS A & M STUDY ON SPACE TRAVEL
For years scientists at Texas A & M have wanted to go to
the sun. However, as you all know, the sun is at least as hot
as West Texas, and any space traveller would be burned up
should he make it to the sun's surface.
Now there has been a breakthrough. "Crazy" Eddie
Schwartz, a freshman at A & M, has suggested that travel be
at NIGHT, when everything is cool. Dr. Barrenoff Graymatter,
Eddie's professor said, "Now, why didn't I think of that?"
***
END